…the judge signed his name on my divorce decree officially ending a marriage of 11yrs. For most of those years I was a stay-at-home-mom and though I know my role was great indeed there was a lot for which I depended on my spouse for. So when you hear me talk about starting over it’s not just about how I think people should approach it, it’s also about how I’ve had to approach it time and time again.
They say that going through a divorce ranks up there with losing a close loved one, in many aspects this is true. There is a grieving process, there is sometimes a denial process, a forgiveness process, and some where down the line, (hopefully) an acceptance process. I had the privilege to gain insight from someone who had been there before and I took her advice and read, Spiritual Divorce: Divorce As a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life, Debbie Ford. I had already read another book by this author and this one served to reinforce things I had already knew. You have to be able to separate yourself from the emotions of the situation and the behaviors of the other person. You have to be able to realize that most things have little to do with you and are beyond your control. I’ve been called a heartbreaker because I have the ability to move on from a relationship once I have made up my mind to so. It’s not that I never cared or don’t care, but why hold on to something that isn’t there. Why remain in a place that can no longer sustain you. To me that just makes life harder than it needs to be and prevents you from learning and growing from the experience. I had so many people say to me “please don’t do this. Or you sure this is what you want?” I know most were just showing concern and offering hope. Others however had a personal agenda; those would be the ones who fell to the wayside once it was all said and done. People whom with I had shared a large portion of my life with faded to black and disappeared. People often only see what they want to see and when you’re on the outside looking in you can never know the fullness of another person’s struggle. It’s a hard thing not to judge, but my shoes are my shoes. My journey, my journey. It is not, nor will it ever be a place that any other person can occupy. It is my space, and my space alone.
Yes there have been times when I looked back and wondered what could have been if I remained. Many times when I wondered what went wrong. Coming to a place where you can see no alternative, no other way to make things right, better, or even just the same as they were before is a hard thing to face. But I faced it and it’s a decision I have to live with every day. I am stronger now. I have been to a place I never imagined I would go. Some days I still cry. I don’t know why I cry but I do. And I still hurt, I have emotional scars that open when things don’t work out exactly as I planned. It’s a healing process and I take full responsibility for it. I don’t try to stop it. I try to keep it in my space & let it resonate within me. It often touches my soul a little deeper, then I can move on. There is nothing else I can do. I cannot go back in time and find that sweet spot where one thing could have made all the difference. And though this road is sometimes unforgiving I don’t know if I would. Everything I have experienced helped define me in some way. I am in no way perfect, but who I am has made a positive difference in the lives of others. Any detour I might have made could change that.
This journey has taught me a lot about myself. Things about my personality that I had hidden over time, things about my needs that I had given up on and did without. Things that are so inherent to my nature that I could no longer deny their existence. I’m glad to have had that. I’m able to look at things from a hindsight view and saY, “WOW,THAT WAS SOMETHING!” Right now I feel something else on the horizon. I don’t know if it’s the anniversary of the divorce, the pain of other things in my life or my approaching birthday, but something in the universe is pushing and pulling at me to the point where I’m not sure which way to go. You ever get that feeling inside like you’re dying? Like everything you thought you knew is wretchedly coming to an end?. It’s okay. It happens, then new things come alive. The pain of dying is often necessary to experience the joy of being reborn. That’s what I love about spring, it’s such a time of rebirth and new growth. Trees and plants that appeared dead and withered suddenly spring to life again and they always come back stronger and more vibrant than before!
We all struggle with one thing or another at times, that’s the easy part. The hard part is trying to make sense of it all. You almost never can. Though I firmly believe everything happens for a reason, we as mere mortals are not always privy to that information. That’s what makes it so much sweeter when you forge on without a compass. It’s that drive, that determination to keep moving that ignites so much inside us that pain and sorrow cannot grow and joy and happiness rush to fill its place. It’s hard out here, but giving up is never an option. There is still so much to be done, so much to experience, so much to give that I wouldn’t dare let that pass me by. I suggest you don’t either!
To starting over…AGAIN, AGAIN & AGAIN!